Yesterday I was thinking of grabbing a late night snack and I headed to the refrigerator. Some might head for the pantry for their brand of snack like: cookies, chips, crackers, etc... I’m usually more of a cold snacks kinda guy – cheese, lunch meat & leftovers.
When I opened the fridge door, the appliance bulb was burned out. Of course everyone who has this happen to them immediately thinks - “shit” - I don’t know how to replace this stupid bulb, I don’t know what plastic cover thing I’m going to need to unhook, I know I’ll probably break some tab that holds the thing in place trying to figure it out.
Aren’t those bulbs supposed to last forever?
So, I shut the door an reopened it – maybe the fridge just didn’t notice that I opened the door?
Nope – still burnt out.
I tried pressing and jiggling the closed door sensors – still nothing.
As I’m looking at this unlit food, I’m thinking - this is definitely not looking very appetizing. In fact it’s kind of creepy looking like a dark cave with potentially bad things hidden back there in the darkness. It occurred to me that it might be a good idea when you’re dieting to take the bulb out of you fridge to make the food look less inviting. I know I was suddenly not thinking of eating anything from in there.
I thought about going over to the pantry to see if anything looked good over there. I wasn't in the mood for chips - but you know - I wasn't going to reach into the dark recesses of that fridge and get my hand bitten off.
And then it hit me – “Duh... what was I thinking? What about the freezer”
See, that's more like it. The food looks so bright and shiny. It's all "good" and ready to be eaten.
So for now, I’ll just have to stick to a diet of frozen pizza, cream puffs, toaster strudels and Haagan Dazs Bananas Foster Ice Cream until "somebody" figures out how to fix that stupid bulb.
I just saw yet another “Countdown to the Royal Wedding” segment on the morning news which makes me want to ask Mr Owl – how long can you beat a dead horse? So rather than all the dumb questions everyone is asking, I wonder if the Royal Wedding has any of the same problems and issues as our family’s weddings?
We need to find a place for the Ceremony, Reception and Rehearsal Dinner about a year in advance because everything books up that far out. They can just “have it at the house.” If I did that, it would be considered cheap, but for them, it is an “honor” to be invited to the Palace. That’s a sucky double standard. Why isn’t it an “honor” to be invited to my Palace? Maybe I should start being more exclusive with the guest list at my parties.
No matter which church they choose, for whatever date, it will become open. Imagine if you were supposed to get married and you booked the date a year in advance. Then, one day you get a call from someone who says “I’m sorry but you’ve been bumped by the future King and Queen.” Maybe you get an invite to their wedding as a “concession prize” in exchange for being bumped.
Speaking of invites, I wonder how that works...
At our family weddings, we decide to invite Auntie Betty who will give a $10 wedding gift even though it will cost us over $100 for her to be there. The parents want every conceivable friend and relative to be there. The kids hardly know these relatives or have met them only once. They want to trim the list to make room for their friends.
Do you think the Queen and Prince debated over inviting guests. Maybe the Prince thinks that the Prince of Yugoslavia is cheap?
Queen (in a queenly voice): We must invite the Prince of Yugoslavia. His family has supported our family and country for centuries.
Prince (in a South Park voice): Screw him – he always makes an ass of himself. Nobody even knows Yugoslavia has a Prince and he’s so cheap – he’ll probably only give $50,000. Who would we sit him with anyway? At the last party, he picked a fight with the King of Zimbabwe. Let’s invite “Prince” from the United States instead and maybe Lady Gaga too.
Lastly, there is the Music and Photographer. They’ll ask Paul McCartney and he will “gladly accept the honor” and probably be paid nothing. We have to pay some bad DJ $1000 to play a Paul McCartney CD. We also have to pay a photographer for the wedding – They’ll have thousands of photographers capturing pictures and video of every move they make.
The more I think about it, I’m pretty sick and tired of the whole monarchy/royalty thing. Seems silly in this day and age – no?
I was in Los Angeles and Hollywood recently, so I was "on the look out" for the stereotypical "LA" type – as in:
"Hey babe... No time to talk... I just got back in town and I’m at LAX. I’ve gotta meet my agent and we’re gonna jump on the 405 and head up to Hollywood to pitch our new project to some studio execs. I’ll call you later – we can grab sushi in Beverly Hills. "
In general, I think us Mid-westerners tend to think of LA people as: having a very Hollywood laden jargon-y superficial language, at the gym every day, more spiritual and definitely eating healthier than we do. Actually, I didn’t see much of that stereotype but I didn’t try to gain access to the underbelly - there is certainly a hidden city you’ll never see. The chief export from the town is a weird amalgamation of culture, politics, fashion and entertainment subject to an even weirder international amalgamation of praise, scrutiny and disdain. I think people see what they want to see, especially if they’re intimidated or in awe of a place. I saw an army of people and business to support the LA export product. I found the LA people I encountered to be very pleasant and attentive to a fat guy from Chicago.
Maybe they confused me with someone famous...
However, while driving around LA and Hollywood, I started to see one really unexpected trend:
Randy’s Donuts, Winchel’s Donuts, Yum Yum Donuts, Tasty Donuts, Tang’s Donuts, Stan’s Donuts, M & M’s Donuts, Spudnut’s Donuts, Kindle’s Donuts, Michell’s Donuts, Magee’s Donuts, Granny’s Donuts, Donut King, Donut Time and so on...
In-N-Out Burger, Fatburger, Bob’s Burgers, Astro Burger, Mel’s, Pink’s, Jim’s, Dino’s, Tomboy’s, Molly’s, Cassell’s, Tommy’s, Cisco Burger and so on...
FYI – they have a Portillo’s that people drive from miles to get to.
I can’t even count, spell or lookup the names of the all the sushi places I passed, but the only type of eating establishment as prevalent as the Donut and Burger places were the sushi places.
I did NOT see that many workout places, maybe two or three tops.
Over all, I’m not so sure anything is healthier in LA. I think they eat the same crap we do - maybe more – but they do a good job of pitching the city as health conscious.
I think if they’re any thinner, it’s because they may work harder to be "in shape" to be employable in a town where many people are involved in the entertainment business and also because it’s always so damn hot that you sweat off all the donuts and burgers. They only healthy thing was, possibly, the sushi – but we have plenty of that here and I don’t know of any dramatic weight loss related to sushi restaurants.
Overall, I’d say you’d end up eating just as badly in LA as you do in Chicago. If they opened a few more places to get a decent hot dog or Italian Beef – I think they might have us beat.
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