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Frank Mahony: Hospital Pickup Lines


Frank Mahony

Frank Mahony

Hospital Pickup Lines

2/3/2010   Comment on This

Over the years, I've spent a lot of time around hospitals and medical offices at my ďotherĒ job. The people that work in healthcare have a tough assignment Ė itís not easy being around people that have health problems. Healthcare workers have to stay focused on "helping people" to avoid getting depressed. Eventually, many become a little twisted and look for the humor in what is otherwise a non-humorous place. The twisted humor somehow adds sanity to an insane place in a weird way.

So, the other day, Iím in a hospital waiting room. People are walking up, and signing in for tests and surgeries. Some have a smile, while others have a pretty somber look on their face.

Then, along comes along "Mr Story" (with vocal volume set to 10)

Greeter: Hello sir, are you checking in?
Mr Story: My doctor says I should have this test because for the last year Iíve been having this problem and he thinks...

Greeter: Can I have your name sir?
Mr Story: (has not stopped taking) ...and I donít know if I need this but he says we should do it anyway because then...

Greeter: (trying to get a word in) SIR, are you scheduled for a test today?
Mr Story: (has not even taken a breath) Iím just supposed to show up here and you will know what Iím here for and...

Greeter: (interrupting) Your NAME sir, please?
Mr Story: (finally pausing) ...Oh - Iím Sam Story - and so do I wait here or is there somewhere else I need to go to...

He just canít help himself. Some people talk a lot when theyíre nervous but this guy ainít nervous Ė heís a talk-a-holic who canít stop. Itís a symptom of bad parenting and I shouldnít laugh but I canít help it. Heís obnoxious and hilarious.

So they tell him to go sit down and he does sit - but he's poised like a hawk waiting to pounce on the next victim. After a few moments, a pair of twenty something girls show up for a ďtest.Ē Theyíre very giggly and look a little trashy with lots of piercings, tattoos and thick makeup Ė Iím postulating maybe an STD test but I could be wrong.

Mr Story is watching them like a spectator at a tennis match Ė his eyes and head change direction from one to the other and back as they giggle and whisper to each other.

Finally, I think he realized that he hadnít talked for almost five minutes and something just bursts out of nowhere... Iím not even sure he was conscious of it until it came out.

Mr Story: So.... Are you girls here for surgery?...

I am so glad I hadnít just taken a sip of coffee Ė because I would have sprayed it all over the room out of my nose. Thatís "the best" ice breaker/pickup line Iíve ever heard.

They simultaneously said ďNoooOOOĒ Ė almost like backup singers in harmony. Then they retreated into quieter whispers and louder giggles while Mr Story (oblivious) scanned the room for his next target.


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