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Frank Mahony: Death Chairs

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Frank Mahony

Frank Mahony

Death Chairs

1/9/2012   Comment on This

I was a mall walker last Sunday before the show.

It’s not like I had a track suit on and got there at 6:30am. It was midday and I was walking around to kill time – but I still felt ridiculous.

I went with The Diva to see the “newest place” she’s found... which sucked...

Women have a weird (damaged) genetic coding sequence that causes them to hallucinate whenever a new store opens or they find a store they’ve never visited before. I believe they see rainbows, butterflies, unicorns and free pots of gold (or something like that).

Women see a Shimmering Shopping Fantasy.
Men see Shopping places for what they really are.


So I wandered around looking for anything remotely interesting: a book store, a cigar chop, a Tilted Kilt, whatever.... It was either that or end up like one of those guys that get stuck sitting in a “Death Chair”

You know the "Death Chair" - "Chair of Death" - whatever you like to call it.
You’ve seen them a million times...

They put them near women’s dressing rooms (any chair in a women’s shoe department is also a “Death Chair”). They are disguised as a convenience for a weary companion that has been dragged from store-to-store in search of the perfect purse/dress/shoe/pants/jewelry.

In reality, "Death Chairs" are a place dumb guys go to die - like an Elephant Graveyard.

The “Death Chairs” are never normal chairs. They are either overly “worn in” club chairs that make you sink all the way down to the height of the trained pet you’ve become. Or, other "Death Chairs" are instead a flamboyant purple-striped high back throne better suited for Liberace than you. The worst kind, is the silly looking mini-bench thing without armrests. They are just barely wide enough for two - which is awesome so that you can sit "super close" to a new “man friend” you’ll be meeting any moment who is also there to die.

Misery loves company.

I never found anything I would categorize as interesting – just miles of clothing stores, shoe stores and lots of mall food court crap.

At least I got some exercise accomplished for the day.


 

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